from our newsletter, written by Linda Lin, RCC, RCAT

Growing up my grandma who raised me always said, “friendships and learning to connect with others help us cross the bridges of life” 🪷 ୧ ‧ ˚ (this is roughly translated to English)

A couple of decades later, I find myself circling back to her wisdom, because building connections and friendships is active resistance to capitalism and individualism. Friendship is a refusal of a culture that tells us to stay polished, self-contained, hyperindependent, and endlessly ‘productive’.

But here’s the question, how do we actually build real friendships when we’re swimming in a culture that glorifies capitalism, perfectionism, and even buying into community, when it's dressed up as 'self-respect'?

via Pinterest

-`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´- -`♡´-

Reciprocity is the heartbeat of relationship.

Robin Wall Kimmerer reminds us that reciprocity is the heartbeat of relationship. The Earth offers us gifts—berries, shade, clean water—not so we can hoard them, but so we can learn the joy of giving back. Reciprocity flows in a circle, isn't one-sided, sustaining everyone involved. It also reminds me of generosity, a value my mother taught me.

When we strive to live in the rhythm of reciprocity instead of keeping score, we learn to offer, and make room to receive. 

We make listening as important as speaking, holding as important as being held. 

 Reciprocity doesn’t keep score; it trusts that when we give, it returns in another form, in another season.

-`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  -`♡´-  

sleepover and zine making a friend~

Prioritize connection > productivity! 

Individualism and capitalism teaches us to prioritize our needs above our communities and view relationships as transactional.

It's literally designed to keep us in disconnection and in loneliness.

There were so many days when I find myself after a full day of work and feeling so exhausted to make plans with people who support my nervous system and would interrupt these cycles of anxiety.

snippet of my friendship mantras zine!

✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅

Rest and pleasure are portals to receiving care and love ♡

Especially when we are trained/conditioned to work, serve, and over-function, choosing rest, joy, pleasure, and time with friends is a way to restore love’s presence in our lives. Communion helps us interrupt cycles of hurt: healing personal wounds with relationships and those passed down through generations and systemic oppression. 

Prioritizing our needs is not above our relationships (capitalism/individualism) nor is our relationship above our needs (relational trauma/wounding).

✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅

via Pinterest

⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹

Communion is the antidote to loneliness and alienation! 

Communion counters loneliness and alienation. Our culture reinforces individualistic behaviours, which shape how we maintain—or let go of—relationships, like the drifting or disappearance of friendships in adulthood after life changes such as moving away, starting a new relationship, landing a new job, or having a child.

bell hooks reminds me in Communion that true connection invites us into intimacy, belonging, and presence. 

I’ve been practicing little ways of stepping off the hamster wheel, where I prioritize friendships and relationships instead of letting the system dictate my pace. I’m learning again and again that connection can be one of our greatest sources of nourishment and healing.

When we slow down enough to be with a friend, we’re pushing back against the myth that our value lies only in output.

Whether it’s cooking a meal together, walking or playing at the park, or even having an adult sleepover (SO fun), friendships are how we choose connection over keeping score, competition, and the endless busyness capitalism asks of us. 𖦹

⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹⊹₊｡ꕤ˚₊⊹

So here's to choosing each other in a culture that doesn't.

₊˚🍏 ྀ౿ written by yours truly, Linda

Community building events coming to Decipher this Fall/Winter!

✮ monthly TEAR CLUB! (anti-perfectionism) with Chloe, our art therapist .ᐟ.ᐟ ˚⊹

 

✮ weekly OFF-SCREEN HOURS art therapy drop-ins with our interns coming soon .ᐟ.ᐟ ⋆˙⟡

A space where we can build community, make art, and connect more deeply with yourself and the world! Think of it as a group therapy session, but in a fun, casual, community-focused way, away from screens and winding down from our week.

Also a perfect activity for rainy days with a friend or two in our studio located in downtown ‘Vancouver’.

Check back soon for updates!

Many of us struggle with adult friendships and relationships where we feel depleted when our needs are not met,

grieving when our friendships aren't balanced,

when the energy out isn't being reciprocated.

🌐 True needs challenge the status quo: of assigned conditional rules and requirements for so called “love and care”

Sometimes “love and care” may be disguised as a series of conditions. We may have been taught to meet other's needs first before we get to pursue what we want. Over time, the more we perceive the needs of others, the more we struggle with people pleasing behaviours. Needs will be perceived as a zone for emotional burnout, and uber confusing. ‘Needs’ from conditions are not rooted from a place of love, respect, solidarity and reciprocity.
 

🌀 People pleasing is giving "I don’t know how to meet my needs”

People pleasing tends to lead us to become disingenuous with ourselves and with others around us. It takes us away from the present moment by predicting what others’ needs are before we know what ours are.

🍄 Needs contain multitudes. They come from a radical, unfixed and abstract space. 
 

We have the right to feel, to transform, to express a range of self to meet mutual understanding of these needs.

🪴 Our needs are true expressions of our identity.

I notice my body slowly ease up whenever I nurture and actively find ways to meet my own needs.

🤚🏼 Refusal for ‘uncomfortable performances’

I hope you will practice taking a few moments every time you are about to reply to a friend to figure out what your needs are with this friendship!

Is it love, appreciation, respect, autonomy, nurturance community, intimacy, safety, security, commitment, consistency, mutual understanding, connection…?

💗 We need culture and companionship that truly loves us.

Just as much we train to predict, foresee, and have gotten really good reading into what other's needs are…

⏰ When you find out what your needs are, what are the things you will have room for?

By working on bracketing out assumptions and decentering how you will be perceived, you get to make space for authenticity, rooted in humanizing responses towards yourself and can then be reflected back to your relationships.

🌳 Needs are not individualized and all needs are equally important! 
 

Our needs are not in the shape of a triangle/hierarchy.

Did you know Maslow, the person who ‘coined’ the hierarchy of needs took Blackfoot first nation’s knowledge and teachings when he spent 6 weeks there in 1938, and shaped human needs to reflect that of white supremacist culture (into a triangle) where needs are individualized.
 

🧭 If we haven’t even began to decolonize our human needs, no wonder it would be difficult to understand and ‘actualize’ what our needs are! 

It makes sense why so many of us are looking desperately for spaces where we feel a sense of community and belonging. And we end up blaming ourselves and the city for being the problem. We haven’t found ways to take care of each other to reach reciprocity yet.

🪨 Staying in care of our needs fuels our demands of a better world. And helps us reclaim the rest/ease our bodies need to thrive in.

There is no need to rush or get to perfection. Unlearning needs is going to be a lifelong process. There will always be time, to reimagine the relationship with needs to reach self-actualization (in my own words, to understand oneself).

🛟 This practice is expansive and life-saving ♡ 

So please keep coming back to your human needs!