Forcibly unwinding from overwhelm and trying to restore our bodies with a set time period during the holiday season is not easy. Coming back into the new year, I sense that so many of us are intentionally trying to find ways to slow down and are realizing that we aren’t the best at it.

Behind the front of busyness

You don’t get the point of rest yet. You may only know how to bounce back after hitting burnout, dealing with illness, or facing challenges.

But rest... what’s that again?

Symptoms of not knowing how to truly rest:

• irritability

• sensitivity around time

• indecisiveness

• permanence anxiety: “this is what it will always be” “I’m always going to be behind in life”

• internalized oppression and shame
  

You might not have noticed but...you are in survival mode.

Note the survival math:

• Pressure to achieve x y z by the end of the day or else the day will be wasted or ruined.

• The need to make sure activities for rest/enjoyment will work out and have benefits → “If I were to make art, it will only be worth it if I feel calmer.”

• Free time spent on others = acceptable
Free time spent on myself = time wasted

I don’t know who needs to hear this but...

You do NOT have to be a continuous improvement project for the new year.

Rest is NOT something that is earned or deserved!

DIS-EASE is a disease.

Two questions I have for you to reflect on are:

What are you preoccupied by when you are engaging in ‘busyness’?

Is this where your pain resides? Or is your pain located/hiding somewhere else?

There's what it is. 

Then there's what it seems.

Recently most of my concerns shows up as what it seems like initially.

It's as if my actions seem futile.

It seems like like I'm losing it. 

My body, my business and my life seems like they're in their flop era.

Witnessing the age of the neocolonial internet where those who hold power actively outrightly censor untold stories of the oppressed and when allies share their activism, how shadow banned their accounts can become.

Here's what they don't want you to know!

How to access what it is and has always been:

In my community, folks whom I've been reaching out to are helping me to be able to call out all the ridiculous moments it has been seeming like to get to what it actually is.

Oppressive systems are built to prime and gaslight us to feel ‘what it seems’ like. Like we are fraud, or that nothing we do will help and we should just look away…
 

…when it is actually a healthy sign of your humanity if you have been feeling dysregulated, feeling the rage from the grief of witnessing.

Your felt sense of discomfort, grief and rage is living proof of the practice of unlearning and decolonizing. Indigenous teachings tell us that our bodies carry the knowledge, wisdom, pain and wounds from 7+ generations. Rage is our embodied wisdom. 

 If you feel like you are in the smack middle of your ‘flop era’, 
you are in the right place.

The place where there is:

• collective healing towards liberation

• unlearning and resistance from oppressive systems and practices

• access to what it is and to your lineage's wisdom

• emotional healing instead of spiritual bypassing

• creative ways to validate your experiences

• bravery to share wisdom, advocate and call up reps because you're a badass human who cares.

“We know too well that our freedom is incomplete without the freedom of the Palestinians” 

- Nelson Mandela

The essence of our shared humanity and collective healing is to build a container for one another until all of us are free.

Bearing the weight of the thousands of lost dreams and the lifetimes of deep sorrow that will follow won't be possible if we don't come together, continue to call and email reps for a ceasefire NOW. 

"Imposter syndrome is a manifestation of the imposter system. Break free from it, for you are the true architects of change." 

- Angela Davis

To you with a body trying to survive in a world where diet culture and transphobia still exists… 

To you with a parental figure who neglects your emotions instead of honouring them…

To your younger self who didn't have the language or resources to see and react properly to what was going on…

To you who experienced hurt, so strong, that you have had to step away, numb from presence in order to survive and keep floating on…

To you who have lived through painful experiences, dodging threats, tone policing yourself to the point where you filtered too much of your true self out and you are left with an imposter identity that you can't even recognize…

 

You're not an imposter, you're just dealing with grief.

Grief demands our presence and shows us that we are indeed human. That our heart is working/doing their job. 

It's the essential part of heartwork: a practice connecting us fully to what we value and addresses our competency to understand and stand by what we are going through. 

Grieving and heartwork offers us the gift of choosing our humanity above all else: choosing decisions that are for us, not just the sake of avoiding conflict or ensuring ‘safety’ in face of a concern or threat (aka our good friend, fawning).

Heartwork, grieving and reacting properly to what had happened/is happening around me, addresses the very points that supports me to clarify and stay true to who I am.

"We are not imposters in our own struggle.
Our voices, our experiences, and our pain are valid and necessary."

- Assata Shakur

I hope grief and heartwork can become your ‘roman empire’ 

💭🏛️🕊️🏹✨

… the way it keeps you pondering on the daily and fascinated by it's magnificence 

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

Resources on Grief:

These are based on my personal journey which can look very different from yours. I’m sharing this list with any of you who may need a place to start. 

Many of these resources are from folks I work with and friends who shared them with me over the course of my journey.

Words:

Gabbes Torres’ pdf on grief and trauma
Time is a mother - Ocean Vuong
The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief - Francis Weller
What my Bones Know - Stephanie Foo
Falling Back in Love with Being Human - Kai Cheng Them

Watch: 

“Everything Everywhere All At Once”
“Turning Red”
“Undone” (TV series)
"The Farewell"
“Inside Out”
“Riceboy Sleeps”

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

Since reading ‘Rest is Resistence’ by Tricia Hersey in the wintertime, this era has been an opening for new portals for Rest.

 I've been feeling the Abundance!

I’ve been unlearning that treading on the hamster wheel is not how I can continue keeping up, but a response I feel from internalized individualist, capitalist and patriarchal messages I’ve been taught all my life.

And when I compulsively convince myself that I can’t ask for help, that I have to fend for myself to soothe the anxiety around my mental health or business side of things… a big chunk of this burden comes from individualism and historical experiences of scarcity from my family lineage that I have often heard about and witnessed growing up…

When your body has been activated in this state for this long, you may begin to mistaken this as the norm. 

Abundance is pretty new for me, and it's the opposite of capitalism's agenda, so it is supposed to feel ‘different’ and ‘not like myself’.

Being able to recognize that ‘not being able to rest’ has its roots in internalized messages of cultural legacy burdens from racism, capitalism, ableism, materialism, individualism and other -isms has been so helpful.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

One July night when I felt Abundance, I had to capture the moment. Here is what Abundance felt like that night:

”When Abundance is felt in my body, it’s the most satisfying, fulfilling sensation ever. Like the best nap I’ve ever taken. Or watching the prettiest sunset beaming through a landscape.

I feel myself put value and pride in the work I do, even when the workload seems invisible.

Abundance is noticing the space, expansion and openness to receive, being myself, not taking myself so seriously. 

Tempering my body to live a bit more courageously and authentically everyday.

I’m writing down these words immediately because I am still welcoming in Abundance from a culture struggling with scarcity.

I want to learn to embody Abundance.

I want to be Abundance.”

Here is the story of Ubuntu (credits to Abby who introduced this in our monthly peer group).

That’s what culture/community in Abundance can be like. 

And it exists already!

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

I appreciate each and every one of you who resonates with some of these experiences: having complex feelings around slowing down, trying hard to unlearn and smashing the encoded messages around scarcity, capitalism and all the other -isms.

Investing in Relational Justice for our sacred bodies and minds. 
Collective Abundance and Rest is what will sustain us and help us survive this climate.