Forcibly unwinding from overwhelm and trying to restore our bodies with a set time period during the holiday season is not easy. Coming back into the new year, I sense that so many of us are intentionally trying to find ways to slow down and are realizing that we aren’t the best at it.

Behind the front of busyness

You don’t get the point of rest yet. You may only know how to bounce back after hitting burnout, dealing with illness, or facing challenges.

But rest... what’s that again?

Symptoms of not knowing how to truly rest:

• irritability

• sensitivity around time

• indecisiveness

• permanence anxiety: “this is what it will always be” “I’m always going to be behind in life”

• internalized oppression and shame
  

You might not have noticed but...you are in survival mode.

Note the survival math:

• Pressure to achieve x y z by the end of the day or else the day will be wasted or ruined.

• The need to make sure activities for rest/enjoyment will work out and have benefits → “If I were to make art, it will only be worth it if I feel calmer.”

• Free time spent on others = acceptable
Free time spent on myself = time wasted

I don’t know who needs to hear this but...

You do NOT have to be a continuous improvement project for the new year.

Rest is NOT something that is earned or deserved!

DIS-EASE is a disease.

Two questions I have for you to reflect on are:

What are you preoccupied by when you are engaging in ‘busyness’?

Is this where your pain resides? Or is your pain located/hiding somewhere else?

It's my (very Virgo) birthday in a few days and I've been feeling a mixture of not being able to catch up to this heavily socialized age, and amused by how I have been attempting to restore pieces of girlhood.

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When I entered the early years of my 20s, I related to my struggles very differently.

If I were to wear the lens of how I saw the world and myself from then, this would have been playing as a record in my head:

"I am unforgiving towards myself, coping with the fear of losing what is deemed as love and care through people pleasing.

When I struggle, I think that I am the burden. 

I have to get through this all on my own."

It's complicated because at the same time, I also know that my younger selves in my 10s and 20s have been very protective of me in the ways they knew how:
 

I made it a mission to save up financially in order to free myself from complex family dynamics (still navigating this). 

I always played the big, tough role as the eldest daughter taking care of my younger sibling.

I would always ask myself, “what else can I do” to help my loved ones, because I cared. So much.

I am so proud of how far I've come because today:

I'm in the era of doing one thing that ‘scares my family' (aka oppressive systems, culture, the authorities) everyday.

I'm in my sensitive, expansive and ‘not carrying the pain around with me’ era.

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I am coming out from a very individualist life and unlearning the harm from being socialized by oppressive systems under the guises of love and care. 

The wisdom of forgiving myself of shameful narratives I used to carry as my own burdens 

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being in relation to my struggles in a compassionate, liberatory way have saved me and…

I found sanctuary through my community's witnessing of how far I've come. 

And I wish the same for you folks too.

Sending you Virgo energy + softness + forgiveness + love,

Linda