“What should I do?” “What would you do?”

These questions can become controversial in the therapeutic setting and many counselling programs teach therapists to NOT give out advice to clients.

Therapists don’t just give out advice through our support and here are some reasons why that may be…

Advice giving can be unsolicited if we don't fully understand and hear the person's story.

Advice giving can sometimes take active listening and intuition/inner wisdom or critical thinking away from the person.

Are there assumptions behind the advice? When that happens, it could be taken as ignorant and insulting and can do more harm than good!

There may be so much more than just a person asking for advice. For instance… is there 'decision paralysis'?

Does indecisiveness come up because this person hasn't been allowed to make their own decisions? (eg. parents made it for them or their partner would invalidate them)

I’d be curious to learn about the scale of the dilemma and concern is here: What would happen to this person if they were to make a choice?

And who gets to give the advice?

The person who is feeling stuck or who is about to make a big decision is the one doing the work, walking the walk.

That person is the EXPERT of their experience. Not us.

How can we close the power difference when we are around a person 'asking' for advice?

Some questions to reflect on:

• Am I playing the role of the hero or the saviour?

• So I gave them advice- how will the advice be interpreted? Will this person give me feedback on how it went for them?

• Does my advice for them stump or expand their growth as a human?

• How can I offer true support for this person?

TLDR; understanding and listening a person's story is supportive, trying to fix them or their situation is debatable. Advice giving can often times be from your experience - what is theirs?

I don’t see advice giving in the therapy field talked about enough. Curious to know what you think are the differences between getting support and getting advice. And how do you want to feel when you receive support?

In this blog post we will be discussing about the most common mental health concern in North America and possibly in the world: Anxiety. 

Almost one out of five Americans suffer from Anxiety. People who are struggling with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also experience symptoms of Anxiety. 

I went through a little epiphany a couple of weeks ago when I described a stressful situation with a client interchangeably between Anxiety and stress. I realized that even as a therapist, “Stress” and “Anxiety” can be hard to differentiate from one another.

Anxiety can be so easily undermined when explaining this mental health concern to others, which led me to think how hard must it be for people going through it to explain what they are experiencing — especially during the hardest moments.

Here are some crucial points you need to know about Anxiety:

Stress ≠ Anxiety

Let me tell you why…

Stress is something that we all experience whether we are at work, school, at home. Stress is your body’s reaction to a trigger and is generally a short-term experience

Anxiety is a sustained mental health concern that could be triggered by stress. Anxiety is excessive worry and fear and is strong enough to affect daily life. The intensity of the Anxiety or worry is out of proportion to the actual likelihood or impact of the anticipated situation. 

Anxiety is crippling and a daily challenge. 

Please try to understand that people with Anxiety are handling life in an extraordinary way.

People with Anxiety are handling a lot at once as they are continuously managing their Anxiety as they go. 

They need to be very mindful, not only taking on the responsibility of being the human they are, but handling something additional on their plate.

It would be so great if that effort was validated, celebrated, and congratulated.

Because that is worth giving recognition for!

Fact: Emotions feel 10x stronger during the peak of an Anxiety episode.

How to support someone who is struggling with Anxiety:

• Notice what is coming up for you: Pay attention to countertransference. Countertransference is when someone is struggling with Anxiety, another person around them can “pick up” the symptoms through something called countertransference. When big emotions like anger, frustration or sadness come up for you, learn to set your boundaries: for example maybe you would rather practice some self-soothing or would prefer talking to them later. And vice versa, please respect their boundaries—even when it comes across as annoying, hurtful or when it seems unreasonable. No means no.

• Dealing with the feeling of uncertainty (on what it takes to help the person): When someone is struggling with Anxiety or when anyone is going through a vulnerable time, they can easily feel isolated and alone in their suffering. People with Anxiety need to feel safe enough to attend and experience the big emotions: sadness, anger, or fear—to feel the feelings. Don’t be afraid to ask them what is going on and bring more opportunities for them to speak up about what they are going through.

• Notice their signs of ‘overwhelm’: Try to understand that when someone is suffering, they may push others away even though they don’t mean to. This is because when someone is going through the experience of Anxiety, they cannot take anything else on—that experience alone is overwhelming! Try not to take their overwhelm personally.

• Talk openly about what is happening. Feeling ashamed is often what prevents people from seeking professional help and support. It may also cause some people to deny that they are struggling or experiencing Anxiety altogether.

• Reflect on your role as a supporter: Something really important that I see a lot in my clients is the attempt to FIX or SOLVE the other’s experience of Anxiety. Remind yourself that it is not your job to be the fixer.

• Instead be an empathetic listener and make it a goal to show up. Supporting someone with Anxiety can look like making sure their experiences are heard—that itself can be very reassuring. Reflect what it could look like if you could make a commitment to show up even when and especially when things are difficult.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”—Thich Nhat Hanh 

Here are two Anxiety management coping strategies I practice when I experience Anxiety:

The 4-7-8 breathing technique 

Practiced with the yoga tongue placement (tip of your tongue on the gum between the roof of your mouth and your front teeth). This tongue placement relaxes your neck and head by preventing you from clenching. 

Here’s how to practice this breathing exercise:

1. Exhale completely through your mouth to prepare for the exercise

2. Breathe in 2, 3, 4

3. Hold your breath 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

4. Exhale 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

5. Repeat for 4 cycles

Practice this breathing exercise wherever you are.

Art as Therapy: Breathing mandala

Take a few moments to notice and visualize your current breath. 

Create a mandala of what your breath looks like right now (center of mandala) and how your breath can blossom (outer portion of the mandala).

One of the reasons why it is hard to “manage” Anxiety is that an individual with Anxiety can seem different from someone else with Anxiety.

As a therapist, I am never looking at a “one size fits all” coping strategies package when dealing with Anxiety. Learning coping strategies to help with Anxiety needs to be individualized to fit the person going through it. Which is why aligning your goals and working with a therapist can be so helpful in your healing journey.

Disclaimer: Everything posted here is for educational purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment. If you are in need a therapist, book a free consultation with me via this link.